[attr="class","rcappleft61"]
disclaimer: don‘t fret. if you see this app on a certain site outside of this one (there is only one, so if you see it anywhere else please alert me!), then i can assure you it‘s the same person! (daemon can attest to it, and i don‘t mind pming you from it!)[break][break]
trigger warnings for heavy topics such as suicide attempt implications and existential crisis! (it shouldn‘t be too bad, but it‘s here just in case!) [break][break]
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there was an enormous void within you ever since you were born, its crushing weight making it hard to breathe each second of every day. it consumed you, ate you up and tore you apart, and yet you did absolutely nothing about it regardless of how many years passed. at first you had thought it would go away by itself, but it never did. you didn't fight it, ever, though. not because you wouldn‘t be able to, but because deep down you knew you‘ve always been different from everyone else, your thoughts too grim, and too difficult to understand. there have been times you wondered if you should tell them to anyone, but you always halted the thought right there.
there is no way they would get it, you thought, and,
they wouldn‘t leave me alone then. you weren't like them, and they weren't like you; it was as simple as that. [break][break]
how was it so easy for all of them, you wondered. they picked a path and walked on it; they lived their lives without questioning <i>anything</i>. they went to school and work; they woke up, ate, and they slept, then repeated the same thing all over again. how come nobody ever asked why they did that, what was the purpose of doing that? was it really what made life worth living? you didn‘t understand how. [break][break]
at times you would hear them say it‘s just how it is. (you were never satisfied with that answer.)[break][break]
but you also were not stupid enough to assume they were okay with doing so. humans could be terrifying creatures, hypocritical to no end. you knew that. you saw right through them, even when they lied cleverly about how content they were about their lives - they were dishonest more than anything else. there was always something they complained about behind others‘ backs; always something they did not have and the thought of that alone made them unhappy, but they did not share those thoughts with the world and instead lied to those around them. a part of you couldn‘t help but to be disgusted by it; another was terrified. however, you knew way better than to criticize them. [break][break]
because, weren‘t you acting just like them in a way? you hid your thoughts, your mind - you never spoke a word to anyone, despite their attempts to make you talk. you hid behind the mask of silence for so long some of them started to believe you‘re mute.
„say something! talk to us!” they would demand, cornering you up and not leaving you be. however, still, you didn‘t want to talk back, you saw no point in doing that. (and yet the words were always there, at the tip of your tongue, you just couldn't ever let them out.) they should‘ve just left you alone, they should‘ve just gone on with their lives. so why... [break][break]
„there must be something wrong with this kid, he won't talk no matter what we do or say!” you heard them state one day; these certain words made your heart take a leap so high it almost got out of your chest. no. this wasn't supposed to be happening.
nononono, they shouldn‘t be thinking about that! they
shouldn‘t find out you weren‘t like them! your biggest fear was them learning of your true self. (before they could do that, you wanted to run away.) [break][break]
please, no more. it would all be over if you just said
one word, but you found no reason to speak. if they only could answer your biggest question... your eyes continued to stare blankly at them. you tried to reach out, but it was just too hard. why... just why did you have to be like this?[break][break]
WHAT IS YOUR REASON TO LIVE?
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you never wanted honour, and you never craved for riches. you didn‘t have a dream job you could work towards as many others did. you never wanted to become famous, you were never looking forward towards something. you were just
there, without any real aim. it was all useless; at one point you decided that, as pointless as this life was, it was a burden too great for you to bear. (perhaps you should just go and kill yourself.) [break][break]
your first attempt failed. [break][break]
the man with long, black strands of hair and eyes as cold as winter's night saved you; there was no way you could ever get those gloved thin hands that reached out towards you out of your head. he told you he knew the answer to your question; claimed you would find it if you joined his organization. he didn't force you to speak. you decided to take his hand. port mafia, huh? would you truly be able to find a meaning to your life amongst bloodshed and death? [break][break]
you spoke out your first couple of words when you were ten.
„fancy hat.” a big, amused grin spread across your usually blank face, all for the boy before you, a boy who was not even half a year older than yourself. (at that time, you both were still at the same height.) nakahara chuuya. that was his name. [break][break]
it wasn‘t his hat or his name that were memorable to you, though, but his
eyes. unlike yours and mori‘s, those burned with a certain blinding light. you were drawn to them, drawn to him, from the moment you two had met.
„just kidding though, it's embarrassing.” it was entertaining to watch an annoyed expression pop on his face soon after you said that. the feeling of happiness was unfamiliar to you, you spent most of your life in darkness and hate, but in that moment? in that moment, you wanted to believe you were happy for once. [break][break]
he was your partner ever since then. [break][break]
your amusement in regards to him never ceased - actually, it grew with time. chuuya was always one step behind you, no matter what training you had to go through or what job you had to take care of. you knew his every move, read any of his attacks with ease. even his breathing pattern wasn‘t unfamiliar to you. he knew the same thing in return, but ha! he could still never win against you, how funny was that? while you danced in sweet victory, he glared back at you in defeat. and nothing was cuter than chuuya glaring. no, not even that beautiful lady that winked back at you on the street. [break][break]
in your eyes, though, it was always him who got out victorious. at times you wondered if chuuya would ever work so damn hard to become stronger if it wasn‘t to surpass you, to prove that he was stronger than you.
you already are stronger, buddy, you just don‘t see it yet. you wanted to tell him. you were broken, different,
nothing. you knew no reason good enough to live, you had no strength. but he was different from you. his eyes were different from yours. you saw the potential in him that you didn't see in yourself. you wanted it to grow, you wanted
him to grow. thus why you continued to be a nuisance because hey, it worked out just great![break][break]
besides, what kind of partner would you be if you didn't have his back? [break][break]
MAN FEARS DEATH, YET, AT THE SAME TIME, HE IS DRAWN TO IT.
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life had little meaning in the mafia - only the strongest and the smartest were the ones who survived and climbed to the top. for some reason, you were one of them without a great effort - under mori‘s guidance (if you could call it so, one should say) the talents hidden within you developed with ease. at first the fact that you possessed such outstanding abilities and having this
power was extremely intriguing to you. your ambitions grew, and with those, so did your status.
the youngest executive in port mafia‘s history, they called you. it felt good for a couple of days. then, just like anything else, it fell flat. [break][break]
every move you made was throughly calculated in your head. you were observant to the point it was
frightening, but that was exactly where you found small traces of enjoyment here and there. some would call you a demon, but the truth was that good or bad never meant much to you. it was all in the logic, your boss would say. if the action was bad, it was bad, if it was good, it was good. as long as it was for the good of the mafia, it didn't matter at all. [break][break]
humans were so very predictable if only one just looked close enough. all these
hard missions mori sent you on? they were taken care of within a few seconds or less. [break][break]
how boring. couldn't these opponents just, like, send you somebody that was worth your time? somebody who could actually stand up against you and manage to take your life? because that's what you desired in the end.
death. what a beautiful word. it was the only thing your flawless mind couldn't predict, the only thing a person could not possibly alter or reverse, and the only thing which thought of excited you every time you heard the word. [break][break]
BUT FOR SOME REASON, IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO DIE NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRIED. your opponents weren't strong enough, and all of your personal attempts have always ended in failure. sigh. perhaps this newly found book could help you better than random people you encountered in your fights.
a complete guide to suicide sure had a nice tone to it. how come you hadn't found it sooner? [break][break]
THERE IS NO MEANING TO LIFE IN THE END.
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you had a friend and he was a fool; at times you found him hard to understand. he was the lowest ranked member of port mafia, about one step further from a delivery boy. the man whom mori would dispose of in a heartbeat if he concluded they weren't useful anymore. but that was your teacher‘s mind, not yours. (and perhaps this was the first time you‘ve thought differently than mori had.) for some strange reason, you found this guy more interesting than anyone else. yes, even chuuya came second to him. (
sorry, chuuya. dazai still loves you the most in the end.) [break][break]
oda was the first person that saw right through you; one of the few you noticed leaning towards the light whenever they could in this ruthless place. he never killed (least, not until the very end. a part of you still hated mori for that.) and you could never figure out why; when you asked him, he kept silent, then offered you a small smile after a little while. but this... respect of another's life made him all the more worthy of your time. he was your hope, your light in this endless darkness, a father you‘ve never had. (not that you ever told him that; and not that you'd ever admit it out loud.) [break][break]
you spent all these years in darkness, surrounded by death and fear and mere calculations and yet you still found no reason good enough to live; no answer to the question your boss promised you would get. you kept on searching. you went on and on and
on, pushing forward and still hanging on hope it was somewhere out there, waiting for you to come. oda hit you with the truth. [break][break]
„no matter how hard you try, no matter where you look, you won‘t find any.” upon hearing those words, your heart sunk. you knew that already, though, did you not? you were too smart not to know that, but could never admit it to yourself. now that these words were out in the open, said from the lips of your dying friend -- how, just how, were you supposed to live on with knowledge like that?[break][break]
you didn't know. as you held his wounded body, panfully aware of what was about to come, your ears caught his last words.. [break][break]
„i know good or bad don‘t mean much to you. that‘s why... protect the innocent, save the orphans. if both the good and bad side are the same, become a good man. that would make you at least a little better.” [break][break]
you dediced to do what he said without any hesitation. [break][break]
DO YOU REALLY THINK A PERSON CAN'T CHANGE?
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you've always been a child of both darkness and light, have you not? trapped in thoughts you were unworthy of living, feeling most at ease as a criminal underground because that‘s how you defined yourself. but you were also drawn to that little ray of sunshine, happiness, and hope. you never gave up. your purpose was nonexistent, and yet you still sought for another excuse to give this whole
living thing another chance over and over again. [break][break]
your friend‘s words gave you a very clear one - if not for yourself, you could at least live for him. you could at least do what he told you to do before he left this world behind. [break][break]
staying underground for the first few years was rather uneventful; most of the times you found yourself drunk in that one, nameless bar. but it was a small price to pay to completely erase your previous records and completely cut the ties you had with port mafia in the past. chuuya had to be fuming in anger through each and every day, wondering where you were so he could kill you on the spot the moment he found you. god, if you missed anyone, you missed him. but you couldn‘t go back now. you couldn‘t back down on the promise you made. you couldn‘t betray your only friend. and you did not. [break][break]
every step you made onwards was made towards good; joining the armed detective agency helped you fullfil your wish to help those who were in need. you encountered so many different faces, and drove so many people insane. (you could never get over that angry expression on kunikida‘s face whenever you messed up his schedule somehow. it almost beat chuuya‘s. almost!) you even adopted an orphan, just what oda wanted you to do! [break][break]
that certain orphan was special, though, and you knew that from the moment the two of you had met. he valued lives of others just like your old friend. you were there for him to guide him, to protect him, and to give him advice when he needed it the most. you watched him fight, and you watched him grow. and you were proud because, though it's taking him a while, he was on the way to become a very strong man. [break][break]
did your old friend somehow predict it would end up this way? that some little kid would, along with all of the people you‘ve met, slowly help you regain the hope you thought you had lost? hmmm. suppose, you'd never know, but one thing was for sure. being surrounded by light, by the people who valued life, certainly felt nicer than anything you'd ever felt before. [break][break]
sometimes, at night, your eyes still reached out to the sky; with a slight smirk on your face, you'd always dare to quietly ask. [break][break]
HEY, ODASAKU, ARE YOU PROUD?
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(
though, regrettably, i still haven't found a perfect way to suicide! but that's about to come!)[break][break]
- - - - [break][break]
"Now I have neither happiness nor unhappiness. Everything passes. That is the one and only thing that I have thought resembled a truth in the society of human beings where I have dwelled up to now as in a burning hell. Everything passes." [break]
― Dazai Osamu, No Longer Human
